Raising Private: One Shots
by Red Sova
Summary: The untold stories of Private's childhood.
1. The Case of the Missing Birthday Cake

Private Age: 4

"Private? "

"Yes, Mommy?"

"Did you get into the cake?"

The toddler put on his best innocent face while hiding his hands behind his back. "No." Red raised an eyebrow at the way he drawled out the word.

"Then who did?"

"Grandpa."

"Grandpa? Dad ate the cake?" Red didn't bother hiding her disbelief but Private didn't seem to notice as he nodded.

"Private?"

"Yes, Mommy?"

"If Dad ate the cake, why is there chocolate on your face?"

Private's baby blues widened, "I dunno."

Now why did Red find they hard to believe?


	2. Santa the Creeper?

Private Age: 5

Red sighed as she tried and failed to get Private to sleep. She got him into bed but he just wouldn't go to sleep.

"Son, if you don't go to sleep Santa won't come."

"Good. I don't want the Creeper to come."

Red blinked having not expected such an answer. Usually children rushed to bed in hopes that the Fat Man would come early. And what was that about a Creeper?

"Private, did you just call Santa a Creeper?"

The toddler nodded firmly.

"And why do you think Santa's a Creeper?"

The boy looked at her as if the answer was obvious and everyone but her knew it. Private reached over and gently patted her hand closest to him in a 'There-There' gesture.

"Cause he breaks into our home while we're all sleeping to steal our cookies-n-milk, then he leaves behind bribes so we won't report him."

Red stared at her for a moment, "You've been talking to Dad, haven't you?"


	3. No Way Out of It

Red stared at the monsterity before her woundering what exactly it was susposed to be. Her gaze moved from the unkown object of questionable origins to Private's hundred watt smile. "Fine, I bite. What is it?" That grin never faultered as Private answered, "Breakfast. I made it for you myself." The pride in his voice was as obvious as day but all Red could feel was dread. Glancing back at the plate her dread grew. "Private, I don't believe food is suspoed to crawl away."

Private's eyes narrowed as he whacked the moving food (?) with a wooden spoon. "I told you to stay dead!" Once the food (?) stopped moving his smiled returned in full force. "Try it!" Red's face ashined as she glanced between her son and his creation. Her mind was already trying to find an escape route but there was none. Reaching for the fork, Red couldn't help but be thankful she had already written out her Will some time ago.

* * *

><p>The Count sighed as he watched his heir empty her stomach of any and all contents. Honestly he wanted to know what hse was thikng eating that vile monsteriry Private had created. She was lucky she only got Food Posion instead of knealling over like Private's Taste Tester had.<p> 


	4. Lesson Learned Sova Style

Private Age: 7

"Now Private, remember no peeking." Red smiled as she fixed her son's blindfold, Pinyatas are only fun if you can't see them." The blond hair boy nodded in agreement as Red spun him around before handing him a steel bat and pointing Private in the right direction. "Remember, you have to hit it as hard as you can. Now go have fun." With a smirk that would scare even the devil, Red walked back to her seat next to the Count.

The Count chuckled while sporting a matching smirk, "You're a cruel woman, Red."

"I've learned from the best."

"That you did." The Count didn't even bother hiding his proud look. Shaking her head, Red turned to look at Private's pinyata and her smirk grew as the bound and blindfolded figure got his with the steel bat in his family's pride. She didnt even bother hiding her pleasure at watching Steven Jones be beat by the same boy he was always insulting and bullying. Her only wish was that Private had told her about the teen and his actions sooner. It didn't matter, not now. One way or another Jones would learn why you didn't mess with a Sova.

"Private, aim a little more to your left!" And Red intended to enjoy watching ever moment of the free show that came with the lesson.


	5. Almost World Domination

Private Age: 8

Red couldn't stop her voracious grin as she laughed like a maniac. Finally, no one could stop her mad plan as Rockgut was captured and Tux was nowhere to be seen. With the single push of a button the world would be hers!

"Mommy?"

Red's laughter cut off abruptly as she turned to the door. Private stood in the doorway, dressed in an oversized shirt and clutching his Lunacorn close to his chest with one hand while the other rubbed sleep from his eyes.

"Nightmare?"

Red questioned softly as she gave her son her full attention. Private gave a shy nodd as he clutched his Lunacorn a bit tighter causing Red to sigh, that was the last time she let the Count take Private to the movies. Crossing the room, Red picked up Private.

"Sshh, it's okay. Its not real."

"Can I sleep with you tonight?"

Private questioned softly as he clung to her suit's jacket. Red was silent for a moment. On one hand she was close to her life long goal of World Domination on the other she had her terrified child seeking comfort...

"Fine, but just for tonight." Turning to Rockgut, Red ignored the Special Agent's shocked look and gaping mouth. "I don't suppose we could do this some other time?"

**Thud!**

Rockgut had fainted.

"I'll take that as a yes."


	6. Parent-Teacher Conference

Red stared at the blond hair annoyance that was Private's Homeroom Teacher as the woman tried to give Red what she must have thought was a kind smile but all Red saw was plastic. The rouge hair villain was certain that nothing on that woman could possible be real, she looked too much like a doll for that. Therefore, Red mentally dubbed the woman "Barbie Doll", not even bothering to remember the woman's name. God, even Barbie Doll's voice sounded fake and was slowly gritting on Red's last nerves.

"Is there a point to your chatter?"

Screw polite, Barbie Doll would be lucky if Red didn't tear out her voice box. The woman gave a painfully forced smile that was obviously fake.

"Well, Ms. Red, Today I allowed the children to free draw and Private's drawings were quiet startling."

Red arched an elegant eyebrow in annoyance as the woman handed over some papers. The first drawing was pretty normal: three stick figures with blond, red, and white hair. Under each figure was a single word: Me, Mum, and Grandpa. It was adorable really, especially with the 'smiley face' sun.

The next picture showed a stick figure version of her in a scribbled suit standing over what Red suspected to be Rockgut, who had swirls for eyes.

The last picture caused Red to glance at Private, who was looking a little too innocent, as he smiled at her. It showed Barbie Doll with her voice box tore out and in another part of the picture was another figure, that looked strangely like Private, holding said voice box as he was crowned king. All in great detail.

Red glanced from the picture to the nervous looking woman, who firmly kept Red between herself and Private. Red's next words caused the woman to shot her a horrified look as Private beamed in utter pride.

"They are quiet lovely drawings. You wouldn't mind if I took them home to frame them, would you?"


	7. Private's Plot

Agent Dylan stared at the two Sova's sitting calmly before him as if they had lost their minds, though there probably wasn't much for Victor to lose any way. He was called the Mad Owl for a reason after all. Sighing, the retired spy pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Let me see if I got this correct. You," he pointed to the boy that was his Arch-Nenemis' Grandson, "want my help setting your Mother, who happens to be The Red Squirrel, up with my protege. Both who happen to despise each other." The lad nodded with a firm look on his face, that reminded Dylan a lot of The Count and Red. Dylan turned to his nenemis, "And you're actually going a long with this?" Victor gave a firm nods causing Dylan.

"Why?"

The boy gave a shrug, "I want a siblings. Its okay being an only child but it's lonely at times and Mum's good at hiding it but even I can tell she's lonely."

Okay that explained the kid, Dylan glanced to the Count.

"I want more Grandchildren to spoil."

"And if your plan fails?"

The boy and Victor spoke as one, "We lock them in a closet together and hope for the best." Dylan sighed, those two would probably kill each other, if they didn't find a way out and kill the three of them first, but what's life without a little risk.

"Well, they'll both kill us if they find out about this, but why not?"

He wouldn't really mind some Grandchildren and those two were obviously too prideful and stubborn to give him any without a slight push.


	8. The Therapist

Red mentally swore she would kill Nigel the next time she saw him. She had told him she didn't need nor want a Therapist yet he had still dragged her here, literally.

"So Ms. Red exactly what led to you to replace your right eye?"

Red's eye twitched, he actually thought she willingly replaced her eye. If it had been up to her she would have kept her eye, but They had torn it out and replaced it. Yet there was no way a he was telling her life story to some guy whose name translated into: The rapist. Red pursed her lips as she crossed her arms over her chest.

* * *

><p>Nigel arrived around four to pick up Red. He expected a lit of things really, an angry villain trying to tear out his throat maybe. Yet he had never expected what he saw upon pushing the door open.<p>

"There, there. It's okay."

Red gently patted the Therapist back as he hugged her around the waist, his face hurried into her shoulder as he cried.

"-and My Mother just abandoned me cause-"

* * *

><p>"When I sent you to get therapy, I meant for yourself. Not the Therapist, Red."<p>

Red shrugged, "I don't need therapy, I'm perfectly normal, and he obviously did."

Nigel's eye twitched, "Red, you try taking over the world on a daily basics. I hate to break it to you bit that's not normal and what made you think he needed therapy?"

Red smirked.

"Because he offered to be my Therapist."


	9. Red in America

Red sighed as she sat at her desk in her penthouse office. America, Land of the Free,or so they say. Honestly it wasn't that bad here and Red was certain that if she had come here willingly she would have loved it. Only she didn't, she had snuck aboard that plane in an attempt to escape Rockgut. What a mistake that had been, the plane had taken to the skies before she could get off and when it landed, she fount herself in New York.

From there Red had done what she always did: adapt while turning things so they worked in her favor. Now she was the creator of a multi billion dollar company and she only had two retreats:

That Private and the Count wasn't there

And

The paperwork.

Paperwork as far as Red was concerned was the true source of All evil. It never ended as it seemed to multiple every time she looked away and Red swore she heard it growl before. With a soft sigh, Red pinged her Secretary.

"Ma'am?"

"Sarah, please bring me my usual. I have a feeling it's going to be a long night."

"Yes Ma'am, I'll be right up."

Red once again sighed as she stared at the shifting paperwork.

Where was Nigel when Red needed him? Hell, even prison had been better than this torture.

Shaking her head, Red glanced out her large glass window before giving a soft smile.

"Good Night, Private."


	10. Red in America- Attempted Heist

Red hated working late but it had to be done. Sighing, Red pushed her intercom button. "Sarah, go home. I'll finish and lock up tonight." It was silent for a moment then, "Thank you, Red. Goodnight." Red sighed and picked up her acorn tea, it was going to be a long night.

How right she was. It was around three that morning when a group of men in suits broke into the building, Red narrowed her lone eye as they made their way to her safe. It seems she was going have to teach a lesson real soon. Reaching into her pockets she pulled out several acorns and grinned, she loved using her inventions.

Red sat on the room's beam, watching the group separate, so to make searching for her easier. Didn't anyone teach these thugs to look up? Oh well, she hadn't had any fun lately. A smirk fount its way to her face as one of the thugs informed the group leader that they couldn't find her.

"Looking for someone, boys?"

All eyes widened as they looked around trying to find her. Idiots. Red dropped some acorns on the ground causing their attention to fall to the objects as they released their knock out gas.

"Sweet dreams."

* * *

><p>It was around three when the MI6 was called and Nigel fount himself watching several thugs being brought out, some needing more help than others.<p>

Nigel held back a wince as one was brought out on a stretcher with a metal pole shoved mostly up his arse. Someone obviously ticked someone off. Nigel turned to a nearby Police Officer and flashed his MI6 Badge, "What happened around here, Lad."

The young officer gulped, "They were hired to kill Ms. Black, but Ms. Black wasn't willing to take it lying down, either that or she saw them coming. She wasn't very happy, sir."

"And Ms. Black is?" The nervous officer pointed up the stairs, "Right there, Sir."

Following the boy's finger Nigel almost laughed, he should have know and it also explained a lot. Standing next to the Chief of Police was Red. Nigel looked just in time to see the other pocket several acorns and almost laughed.

Some things never changed.


	11. Don't Touch Red's Whiskey

She had warned them but the idiots still kept trying to steal her Whiskey and Red had officially had it with the two. Standing, as best she could, Red narrowed her lone eye and spoke in a cold hard voice.

"Touch that bottle one more time I dare you."

The two Agent's shared a look before Rickgut, being the idiot he was went to take the bottle.

In a split second Red had drawn back her fist and introduced it to Rockgut face, leaving him with a black eye. The Special Agent was knocked out if his seat and into a biker who had been on his way back to his seat with a bottle of wine for him and his girlfriend. Tthe bottle was knocked from his grip and fell to the ground followed by the sound of breaking glass. The Biker grabbed Rockgut's shoulder and spun the Agent around attempting to punch him, but at the last second Rockgut ducked and the Biker hit a waiter causing the man to spill his tray on a table that Red knew to be full of Muffia members.

Of course having drink and food spilled on them didn't suit well with the group who was well known for their poor tempers. Standing the one of the members stood, draw long a gun and pointing it at Rockgut and the Biker. He fired the gun but missed due to slipping on spilled drink, causing the bullet to hit the chandelier sending it crashing into the heaven's food bar sending food ever where. A moment later a shout filled the air as people stared attacking each other.

Grinning and feeling mighty satisfied with the chaos she caused, Red picked up her half empty bottle and took a swing before sitting down to enjoy the show.

* * *

><p>Nigel stare at the unholy chaos raging around him before glancing to the source of the problem. A very drunken Red, who was watching with open amusement. Nigel could feel his headache building and caught a glance of Red about to take another swing of her drink. Without a thought he grabbed the bottle from Red and took several large gulps.<p>

"Hey!"

Red snatched the bottle away holding it close to her chest and glaring at him.

"Get your own!"


	12. Questioning Madness

There's a saying that goes 'There's a Method to my Madness'. It was a simple saying that had Nigel beginning to thinking about several questions he had never before considered. Questions about a woman, who he was in love with but knew nothing about her past.

Why did she become a villain?

What drove her towards it?

Had she a ways been Red or was she once someone else?

What caused Red's madness?

What was the Method to her Madness?

How did it all start?

Part of him wanted to ask her but he couldn't bring himself to do so. He didn't want to be the one to open the obvious mental wounds surrounding Red's past that made her into Penguin Enemy Number One.

Still, a part of him needed to know so Nigel begin his long discreet search of trying to find out who Red had once been and what dark secrets her past held, all the while keeping her obvious to his digging. Easier said then done.

* * *

><p>Nigel was up to something, Red didn't know what exactly but she knew he was up to something that she wasn't going to like. Then again...<p>

When was he not?


	13. Sanity? No such thing

"Private? "

"Yes Mum? "

"Do you want to tell me why you got into a fight today? "

The eight year old shook his head avoiding meeting Red's eyes. The villain sighed.

"Private, your not in trouble but I'd like to know what that boy did to make you attack him."

The young boy bit his lip before mumbling something softly under his breath.

"I'm sorry, what was that Private."

Her son spoke a little louder, still avoiding looming her in the eye.

"...He said you were insane and belonged in the Nut House with call the other Nuts. Red stared for a long moment before chucking. Private finally met her eye as she bust out laughing.

"Mum?"

Still chuckling, Red shook her head and smiled at her Son.

"That's it?"

Private couldn't help but look surprise.

"What do you mean, "that's it"? He called you insane! "

Gently Red messed up Private's hair, fond smile in place.

"I've been called worse. Either way Private, here's a little secret for you:

We're all insane. There isn't one sane person walking this Earth nor has there ever been. And anyone who would tell you otherwise is a bold face lair."


	14. Easter Surprise

"Mum…Mum, wake up."

Something was shaking her causing Red to give a soft groan as she rolled onto her side and forced her tired eyes open.

"Private, why aren't you in bed it's…."

She glanced at her clock and could feel her exhaustion growing.

"….One thirty in the morning?"

The boy shifted nervously as he bit his lip. Red patiently waited for the boy to gather his wits.

"I….There….I heard someone in the Living Room."

Private spoke softly but Red heard it as clear as day and was instantly on alert. She knew it wasn't her and it couldn't be the Count as he had left for a 'Business Trip' earlier that day. So who was in her home?

Swiftly, Red climbed out of her bed suddenly wide awake.

"Stay here."

She ordered, placing Private safely on her bed before leaving the room and heading for the Living Room.

* * *

><p>The first thing that Red noticed about the intruder was the rabbit ears. For a moment, the Russian wondered weither or ot she was still sleep but quickly brushed the tought away. Her mind wasn't that strange.<p>

Silently, Red made her way to the rabbit-eared inturder, who kept doing whatever it was he was doing. Once behind the inturder she made a low growl that caused the person to stiffen before tackling the intruder with a vengance. The moment he hit the ground, fists were flying.

"Stop!"

The intruder ordered trying to stop Red's assult but she wasn't listening.

"Red, that's enough!"

Red froze as the person's voice finally registured in an all too fimilar way. Reaching over, Red flicked on a nearby lamp and stared at the figure beneath her.

Bruised and battered, Nigel Tux stared back in relief.

Nigel winced as he pressed a bag of frozen peas against his swollen eye. The culprit for his current condiction was silenly washing her hands to rid them of his blood, while mumbling to herself. He watched as Red silently cut off the water and dried her hands before giving him a firm look.

"Explain, now."

* * *

><p>Red stared blankly at Nigel, not sure exactly what to say about his explanation, but she finally found her voice.<p>

"Easter Bunny?"

Nigel nodded, fixing the rabbit ears on his head.

"So then you're..."

"Making sure Private gets an Easter this year. I got him a basket and everything, which I was setting up when you jumped me."

"Oh..."

Red wasn't all that sure what else she was supposed to say to that. Well, there was one other thing she could tell the Spy but the day she apologized to him would be the day she became a Penguin. Still, she didn't really see that happening anytime this millennium or the next.


	15. Nigel-Christmas Special Alternative Endi

Alternative Ending of Raising Private Ch 34

Red smiled as she watched Private sleep soundly between Rockgut and The Count, it was adorable in all honesty and Red couldn't help but take a few pictures. What could she say, being a Mother had diffently got to her, it also didn't help that the photos had another advantage by serving as Blackmail against Rockgut and The Count. Mother or not she was still The Red Squirrel and there was no way in Hell would she let such an oppurtinty slip through her fingers. Red pocketed the camera before placing covers over the three, her fond smile never slipping. She kissed Private on the forehead before moving away from the trio, careful not to step on any of her son's new presents.

Satisfied with her work, Red slipped out of the room and towards her own bedroom.

Nigel was comfortable. He had no idea where he was or how he got there but that didn't really matter. He was warm and comfortable, surrounded in the fuzzy softness, nothing could possible get him to move.

"What the Hell are you doing in my bed, Tux?!"

Except that.

Red was not amused, not in the very least. She had fully intended to go dirrectly to bed but what she hadn't couldn't on was a half drunk Tux being in her bed. Honestly, she wasn't very happy about it. That was her bed and more importantly, her spot on the bed.

"Move."

Nigel couldn't help but feel a sense of satisfaction as Red helped support him to the free bedroom while mumbling to herself. Part of him wondered if he should point out that he could still hear her but thought better of it, he didn't want to ruin Red's good mood while she was still angry with him. He wasn't stupid enough to draw the Russian's wrath down on him at a time like this. As they entered the Guest Room, Nigel noticed something that caused him to grin.

"Red?"

Gold-ish-Amber eyes locked on him in annoyance.  
>"What is it, Tux?"<p>

"Look up."

Red could feel her annoyance growing but decided to humor the Spy and glanced up only to freeze. Right above them, hanging innocently from the doorframe, was a small piece of mistletoe tied to a small string. How she had missed it before was beyond Red, but now that she was standing underneath it, the small plant was all to unmistakable.

"Mistletoe. You know what that meant, right?"

Red looked blankly at the Spy to see the older smiling at her in his every so charming way. Yes, she knew what Mistletoe meant but he didn't honestly expect her to follow that rule, did he?

Appearantly the answer was yes.

Arms slipped around the Russian's waist before she was suddenly pulled closer to the spy and a set of soft lips pressed against her own. Red froze in disbelief as her mind tried to piece together what exactly was happening before decideding that just this once it really didn't matter. Yanking Nigel closer by his shirt, Red deepened the kiss, trying to devour the spy as he returned the favor.

Neither broke away until both their lungs decided to remind the two that yes, they still needed oxygen. Parting, the two tried to catch their breathes but didn't bother pulling away from the other.

"Red?"

"Hhmm?"

Nigel lightly kissed the villain again but broke away after a few moments.

"Merry Christmas."

Red couldn't help but smile at the spy.

"Merry Christmas, Nigel."

* * *

><p>FLASH!<p>

Red blinked at the blinding light before looking down the hallway and felt her eyes widen as she spotted Rockgut, The Count and Private grinning at them. Slowly, her gaze fell on the camera in Rockgut's hands and she felt her eye twitch dangerously and Nigel's next words didn't help.

"You forgot to turn off the flash."

Of course this sparked the usual argument between Nigel and Buck so never noticed the dark aura promising a painful death emitting from Red. The Count and Private on the other hand did and slowly moved away from the Russian villain and the two spies.

"Tux. Rockgut."

Red growled lowly, a dangerous undertone to her voice, that caused both men to freeze on the spot.

**"You're dead!"**

* * *

><p>Private stared wide eyed at the groaning mass that was his Uncle Nigel and Uncle Rockgut. Both men looked like Hell itself had spat them out and were tangle in each other with limbs twisted in way that no limb should ever be.<p>

Red meanwhile didn't even have a scratch on her or a single hair out of place. She was grinning as she picked up the camera that had somehow been dropped within the very one sided fight.

Private froze in place as his Mother begin to head down the hallway towards him. Every instinct he had was screaming at him to run but his legs wouldn't move, they felt as if they were rooted to the spot. Finally she reached him and he closed his eyes, not wanting to see what would no doubt be his very messy end.

...

...

Nothing. Slowly he opened his eye.

* * *

><p>Red smiled as she messed up her son's hair, quiet aware of how terrified he was.<p>

"There, there, Private. Its okay, Mother's not made at you. Just you're Uncle and Grandfather. Now why don't you run to bed? I need a word with you're Grandfather."

* * *

><p>Private wasted no time in taking off down the hall, abandoning his Grandfather to the mercy of his Mother. He pretended not to hear the screams and pleads for mercy as he climbed into his bed and hid under the covers.<p> 


	16. Temper Temper

Red sat inbetween Nigel and Rockgut feeling annoyed as she glared at the handcuffs. How the Hell did these two idiots catch her? They could barely get five steps without arguing over something or another.

The subject currently at hand?

Their manliness.

She could feel her already thin pacients growing thinner with each word that left the two Penguins and her famous temper getting hotter. Finally, an hour into their intense argument, Red had offically had enough.

**"Заткнись!"**

She didn't even notice she had slipped back into Russian as she jumped to her feet and yelled at the two cowering men. She really didn't care to be honest, if she had to listen to another minute of their arguing she would go insane...

Well, more then she already was at that rate.

* * *

><p>Red was frightening when she was angry. That was one of the few things Nigel and Buck Rockgut could agree on. The Russian villain had slipped back into her native language as she chewed them a new one without even seeming to realize it and if she did she obviously didn't care.<p>

_**"Now take me home this minute!"**_

The two men jumped to their feet with dual shots of "YES, Ma'am" far too frightened of the woman to go against her.

It didn't cross either of their minds that Red was supposed to be their prisoner as both were far to frightened of the Russian to the point that neither of them could think straight, even if they tried.

* * *

><p>The Count raised an eyebrow as he watched Rockgut uncuff Red while trying to look as small as possible. No doubt trying to avoid drawing the Russian villain's famous temper on himself. It was amusing really, watching two grown men and Penguin Agents at that, cower beneath the younger's woman's glare. He didn't blame them really, Red was a frightening woman when she was angry and from the looks of it the two men had draw her temper directly at them.<p>

He knew if he went out there he could easily draw Red's attention from the two but instead turned his attention back to his book and pretended not to notice them.

It was better them then him after all.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Заткнись- Shut up<strong>_


End file.
